The God who sees me

Yesterday I got a bit of scare.
I passed out cold on the kitchen floor.
I've been neglecting to take medications/vitamins and I'm vegan so its very important to be on my nutrition game. I fell off and well fainted. t
Lesson learned.

I am grateful today for:
the prescription pills that only cost me $25 copay
the body and blood of Christ
the roof over my head
the food i was able to buy from the supermarket
The people around me who love me and love God
the opportunity I've been given to start fresh
the hope for tomorrow that I finally have

When I let go of who I am
I become what I might be.

Getting with the program

This temporary move away from my family has given me a sense of self-agency and independence. I am learning about nutrition. I am learning how to cook different things. I am learning how to bake. I am learning about insurance, and the work force. I am learning about how the brain works. I feel like my capacity to learn has just opened up. For example: I hated crossword puzzles. I always felt dumb when I did them. However, not only can I do them now but I'm good at it. I solved 4 puzzles in thirty minutes. I felt really intelligent. I got a temporary library card and I'm devouring books. I'm learning about the work force and job readiness. And I'm also learning to stop worrying and let God. I'm also learning how to tell the difference between "safe" and "unsafe" people if not at first glance than at least within the first conversation.
Last time I took a break out on my own I came back certified in suicide prevention. This time I want to come back with some other qualification and a poetry cd.

In terms of nutrition, I have found that writing a grocery list in advance saves time , energy and money. This week I spent $39 on
Soymilk
hummus
black beans
tortilla
pasta
sauce
grapefruit
tofu
frozen vegan burrito
frozen vegan chicken
soy yogurt
vegan probiotic fruit mix

I'm kinda proud of myself whenever I do simple things like grocery shop, eat and write in my journal and Take my b12

I'm in Denver

I'm super goal-oriented right now.
The first stretch of goals that I will share today is Job/Finance orientated.
I want within this year to have a functional savings and checking account, a camera, a bike, to be back school and be in an apartment not dorm.
In the long-term, I want to own a house, car, college degree * maybe graduate degree, travel, and maybe be the member of a health club.

I want to work for an office or a bank or a non-profit or a division of the United States government. Whether it is in the armed services or as a civilian. I emailed a reply to the Marine staff Sergeant who emailed me and I basically said that right now I am not eligible but I should be next year or the year after. Maybe I could be in JAG. I could be a lawyer and a marine. or I could work for FBI or CIA as foreign language specialist. I could be a poet laureate and pulitzer prize winner in poetry. I have all these skills and no idea where I should go with them. I am afraid to kill any of them. If I join the military won't that kill my free-spirited artsy poetry-writing self. If I work for the government, won't my inner activist subside.
These are thoughts that I will continue to wrestle with in the long-term.

For now, I'm looking for a 9-5 job not a career. Somewhere I can pick up transferable skills. I can raise money to support myself. I can learn about finances. Somewhere I can basically learn real-world education.

I have never felt such serenity

As I lie here drifting off
I have to say that its a beautiful night.
I'm ready to walk on water.
I am ready to do the impossible things.
I am giving myself permission to heal.
Lord help me to walk on water with you.
Despite all the raging storms around me.

Here's a poem I like that I'm sure we all remember from Coach Carter.
Let it inspire you. Let it offend you.
But when your done feeling, try to move on that assurance.

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

- by Marianne Williamson

entering adulthood

I am twenty years old and well clueless. Most of the time I wish life came with a manual. Then I have days like today where I'm glad it didn't because I'm sure I would've tucked it away in a purse somewhere and tried it out on my own anyway.
Today I'm going to attempt to write a personal mission statement. Then I'm going to write a list of the random things that I've learned so far in my short life.

To live each day with accomplishment, creativity and community so that I may experience success, heartfelt art and love on life's journey. I will do this by never shutting my eyes to opportunity, creating openly and dangerously, and seeking interdependence not independence.

What I know now at 20

1. You don't have to try EVERYTHING.
2. Not EVERYONE has to like you.
3. Spirituality is NOT the same as religiosity.
4. Money doesn't come with brains.
5. Experience doesn't mean Education.
6. Sometimes it is better to dream, then to stay imprisoned to reality.
7. Peer Pressure can be GOOD and bad.
8. Try new things.
9. Never be afraid to scream, laugh, or cry. ( sometimes its necessary).
10. If you use people, you won't like the outcome.
11. Lead by example.
12. There are plenty of mean people in the world. You don't need to be one.
13. SMILE. ( even if your faking it)

The first day

Have you ever heard of the phrase Today is the first day of the rest of your life?

Well its my first day. I woke up. I had morning prayers. I ran. I washed the dishes. I reviewed my life goals. It looks like an ordinary day but its not. It's the first day in my year of change. I am going to be moving away from New York ( and some negative influences) and into Colorado towards healing ( and the search for ecstasy in my human experience without addiction). It will be my 3-4 month long pilgrimage to seek God, healing, and health. I seek transformation.

T.S. Eliot in the Four Quartets (1943) put it this way:
We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.




NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THOSE WHO YOU SCAR